Just a month after the previous one (that wasn’t actually a voluntary timing ^^), here’s another collection:
The problem with engineers is that they don’t get many ethics courses, and when they do they’re usually like “omfg rotfl, so gay!”. And this is how we got Mark Zuckerberg, Sergei Brin and Larry Page.
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
My friend think he’s smart, he said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electricity bill, I’m afraid of the light.
I’ve been hiding from exercise, I’m in the fitness protection program.
Just because I give you advice doesn’t mean I know more than you do. It just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
Well, yes I have skeletons in my closet. But only because I have no more room for bodies in my freezer.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Marriage is a workshop, where husband works and wife shops.
They say we learn from our mistakes. That’s why I’m deliberately making as many as possible. Soon I’ll be a genius!!
I hope we’re friends until we die. And then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.
The best way to hung up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence. That way they never suspect you hung up on them.
My neighbors loved my music so much that they invited the cops to come listen when I cranked it up loud.
I only pretend to be normal to mess with the people around me.
The trouble with trouble is, it’s starts out as fun.
You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
When I was born, god gave me two choices: I could either have a great memory OR be great in bed. Shit! Now I forgot what I was going to tell you!
Never reply when you are angry.
Never make a promise when you are happy.
Never make a decision when you are sad.
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
I failed a spelling test because they asked me to spell bitch and I wrote down your name.
Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world. Even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness.
Putting your phone away & paying attention to those talking to you? There’s an App for that, it’s called “respect”.
A relationship with no trust is like a cellphone with no service, all you can do is play games.
Parallel lines have a lot in common, but they never meet. Ever. You might think that’s sad, but every other pair of lines meets once and then drift apart forever. Which is pretty sad too.