Various Facebook funny lines

My main use of Facebook is actually to read jokes posted by various pages. Unfortunately, they’re often hard to keep track of, all the more so since they’re usually posted as “meme” pictures. So I figured, why not make a selection and post it here every now and then. This seems like it will fit well in the “totally pointless” category 🙂
Here we go for the first batch.

A good neighbor is one that doesn’t put a password on their WiFi.

I’m not rude, I simply say what everyone else hasn’t got the fucking balls to say.

Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

Guy think I’m playing “hard to get”, but really I’m playing “stay the fuck away from me”.

My husband told me he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

My neighbor knocked at my door at 2am this morning, can you believe that, 2am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

Wow honey, the house is so clean! Was the internet down for a while today?

I tried being normal once… It was the worst ten minutes of my entire life!

“Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken?
– No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken.”

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Fact: The first person that you think of in the morning and the last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain.

You’re starting to make sense, it’s time to increase my medication.

When someone says “he’s a good guy once you get to know him”, they really mean “he’s an asshole but you’ll get used to it”.

Don’t let your daughter wear makup at 10, date at 12, wear provocative clothing at 14, and then wonder why she got pregnant at 16!

Before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect.

When guys get jealous, it’s actually kinda cute. When girls get jealous, World War III is about to start.

To those who say love is more important than money: next month try paying your car or house payment with hugs instead.

The only thing standing between you and your goals is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

I will enroll in “anger management” classes when you enroll in “shut the fuck up” and “keep your fucking nose out of my business” classes.

Seeing people change isn’t what hurts. What hurts is remembering how they used to be.

The strong live off the weak, and the clever live off the strong.

Strangers: “Excuse me please”
Family: “Let me through”
Best friends: “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY BITCH!”

True friends are the ones who have nice things to say behind your back.

I’m not the girl next door, I’m the bitch down the street.

How do I approach my neighbor and tell him that his WiFi isn’t working properly and advise him to restart the modem?

Boobs are the proof that men can focus on two things at once.

No matter how dirty your past is, your future is still spotless.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Dear week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, weekend.

Before you talk, listen
Before you read, think
Before you criticize, wait
Before you quit, try

Dear girls, dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes, you’ll get attention, but mostly from pigs. Sincerely, real men.

If you had enough time to cheat, you had enough time to think about it.

“Does this shirt make me look fat?
– No, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.”

Marriage is like a deck of card. In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Dear girls who take pictures in slutty clothing & glasses and label the caption “nerd lol”, you’re not a nerd, you’re a whore who found glasses.

I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you’re a fucking idiot.

They hold elections in November because it’s the best time for picking out a turkey.

Legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you are awake in someone else’s dream.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

We always ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.

Behind every successful man, there’s a lot of unsuccessful years.

Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your WiFi “FBI surveillance van”.