I should really take the time to write some real content some time… But in the meantime here’s another collection (the previous one is here)
Chivalry isn’t dead, it just followed wherever being lady-like went.
What government does: uses force and intimidation to coerce people to comply with their demands
Definition of terrorism: the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.
Everybody makes fun of the redneck… until the zombie apocalypse.
A thief is more moral than a congressman: when a thief steals your money, he doesn’t demand you thank him.
Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other’s sentences. The most popular ending being “shut the fuck up”.
I keep my room messy so that if someone tries to kill me they’ll trip over something and die.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for not beating your ass the first time!
“Haters gonna hate.
– Yeah, and apparently bitches gonna bitch.”
Excuse me sir… yes, you over there… go fuck yourself please.
I don’t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
If you don’t pay for a product, you become the product.
I’m not actually funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Remember that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Sure, you’ll go tell everyone that I was crazy, but you’ll forget to tell them the part about you being an ass.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.
God must really love stupid people. He sure did make a lot of them.
Money means nothing to me. Don’t believe me? Ask me for some, you’ll get nothing.
You don’t stop having fun when you get old, you get old when you stop having fun.
Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes aways today’s peace.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousand of words, but I still prefer “fuck off” to “go away”.
I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”.
I’m seriously considering hiring a third grader to proofread your Facebook status updates for you.
My fitness goal is to get down to the weight that I lied about on my driver license.